When I first believed in Christ Jesus at 19 I was VERY naïve, idealistic, and ignorant. God designed my life in such a way that He kept me remote and isolated from the standard social experience. I had parents who did not instruct, educate, or nurture their children and who lived in remote places away from communities. I was forced to obey the commands of my father without thinking, was not allowed to question anything, and unless asked a direct question my verbal input was not welcome if it contained any hint of an opinion. My parents made all the decisions for me and did all the administrative aspects of life themselves without involving me in the process. Attending school consisted of a long bus ride, hours at school, then a long bus ride home. There was no opportunity for social activities. I was a small, physically handicapped, very shy child so I was not included in most school social activities even while at school, and was excused from being pushed more than slightly to participate in activities that put me up in front of people. School work was easy, mostly boring, and seemed irrelevant. In opposition to my father’s strict and disapproving attitude, mother on the other hand never saw anything wrong with anything as far as I could see. Her answer to everything was simply to have fun. My parents argued constantly but I could never tell what they were arguing about. I could talk to my mother if I wanted but she simply did not seem to take anything seriously. I was not around very many people and saw no observable Christ-like behavior – I knew very little about religions so was very limited in my ability to recognize Christ-likeness. Most of what I observed was limited to people whom had attitudes similar to my parents. What I did learn was almost completely from observation instead of participation so I was severely aware of the specific outward behaviors of people around me without any awareness of why people behaved so cruelly or uncaringly. I describe all of this not looking for sympathy, but to help you understand that I really did not learn much of anything about the realities of life and people while growing up physically.
When I started attending church I simply assumed that all Christians were "right-on" people and church leadership was flawless. I don’t mean that I was unaware of the hypocrites, I was so aware of the hypocrites, the people who professed Christ but did not live any differently than unbelievers, that I despised Christianity before God introduced me to some real believers. The difference I saw between the hypocrites and real believers was that generally the real believers were actually less immoral, less selfish, and more gentle and caring than the hypocrites. I knew God could only make this change, even if the change was often slight. However, once I saw the evidence of this change I assumed the real Christians "had it all together" and especially the leadership.
My dream from the day I decided to believe in Christ was to spend the rest of my life becoming and being the most successful minister one could be. I was so hungry to believe positively about my new life as a Christian I clung severely to the idea that I could trust all my brothers and sisters and my leaders. God had to do severe things to get me to face the reality of the problems in churches. It is very humbling to tell the story of my life but it is necessary to communicate the message He is giving through it. As far as I knew I dedicated my whole life to serving God. I put off getting married until I was in the latter part of my twenties. I married the woman who was my accompanist in my gospel music ministry. I was an assistant Pastor at the time. Everyone thought that this woman was a sincere Christian. 2 weeks into our marriage she told me she did not believe in God. Knowing that we are told to only marry Christians I was shocked and betrayed. Suddenly my dreams of a life of ministry were shattered. This was God’s first lesson to help me understand the reality of the condition of the church world. How could all of us have been fooled into thinking she was a believer? I could not understand how it happened but accepted that it did and dedicated myself to loving her according to God’s way. However she wanted the world and I wanted to serve God so eventually she wanted out of the marriage in order to chase her dreams.
She did not tell me she wanted out of the marriage, she simply went to a Pastor she had known in her past and asked his counsel. He told her that if she did not love me she should divorce me. She told me this and eventually followed his advice. This was my second "wake-up" experience from God that there was something wrong with the church. How could a Pastor give her this counsel? I waited for several years for God to bring her back but eventually realized with His help that she could not and would not return. By this time I was a Worship leader and gospel singer for another church.
Having learned a lesson from my first marriage experience I was determined to be in a church that emphasized the need to be really sold out completely to God. The only concept I had of being a disciple of Christ was that our hearts desire should be to do everything God wanted us to do no matter the cost. I was now in a church where the Pastor preached that message regularly and consistently exhorted us to participate whole-heartedly in all the church programs. If one was in leadership position participation was required. So I committed myself to a cell group, all the meetings and programs, reading all the popular books, and to trusting the leadership. There was a movement sweeping through the churches of the area at that time that counseled all single mothers to find a Christian man to take the role of "father-figure" for their children. By circumstances and my own willingness I was matched to a single mother and began to fulfill the duties of my role. She eventually showed romantic interest and I fell "head-over-heels" in love with her thinking she was the "one made by God for me". At that time the concept that God designed "someone special just for you" was also very popular in my church circles as was all the "promises that God will make your dreams come true in this life" teachings. So I faithfully prayed and fasted and read all the popular books on how to know God’s will. I carefully went through all the steps and checks for confirmation of God’s will the books listed. I counseled with friends and leadership. I was determined not to make another mistake. I got married and dedicated my life to be the best husband; and father since now I had a 3 year girl and 5 year boy that I had been in the role of father of for a couple of years. A couple of months into the marriage my wife told me that the Pastor had asked her to be a teacher in the Christian school he was forming. I prayed about it and it seemed the right thing for her to do. Several months later she began to criticize and question everything I did. She started to take over leadership of our household saying I was not capable of making the right choices and decisions. We began to fight over issues. In an effort to resolve the conflicts I convinced her to submit to marriage counseling with one of the assistant Pastors. The head Pastor was away on one of his healing crusades. She reluctantly accepted the assistant Pastor’s counsel but was obviously not happy about it. All I could do was continue to pray earnestly that God would make things right. A few weeks later when the head Pastor got back he immediately called me and commanded that I meet with him and my wife at a certain time. Although it was strange to be commanded in such a manner I submitted in order to be in proper submission to those in authority over me. In that meeting he first instructed me to disregard the counsel of the assistant Pastor and that he had corrected the assistant Pastor for giving us the wrong counsel. He then asked me what grades I had gotten in school. Baffled by this but willing to trust I told him my grade average of B+. He said that was the problem. He, and my wife, had straight A averages. He said that God gave some people the gift of studies. He explained that God did this so those people could understand the Word and see the truth that the rest of us could not see. He chose my wife to be part of his inner circle because of her grade average. He taught his inner circle the "truth" that the rest of us could not see on our own. He was doing all this in secret because the rest of us were not ready to accept the truth. He said that in order to go to heaven everyone had to be in submission to those like him who had been given the gift of studies because otherwise we could not know the truth. He said that by necessity of knowing the truth this submission overrode all other principles of submission. Therefore all had to be in submission to him over anyone else including married women. And men like me who did not have the gift of studies had to realize that we were not to expect our wives who had the gift of studies to be in submission to us. This is all quite insane and even though I was trying my hardest to submit and trust, it was obvious by my body language that I was struggling. But I encouraged him to go on because by now I wanted to know everything. He continued to explain that if I was willing to remain open he would give me a bunch of books to take home and study. Then I should be able to see that he was telling me the truth. I consented to do so. Encouraged by my consent he went on to explain that all my life’s problems were caused by my inability to do what God actually wanted me to do. He said that when we are able to do exactly what God wants us to do then God will be able to eliminate all our problems and make us an example of how He loves and blesses His people. A person’s spiritual maturity was measured by how much success God blessed that person with. All mature Christians were the richest, healthiest, people in town and had no problems so that they would be a glory to God. He promised me that as I submitted to him and my wife, he could lead us into the prosperity my wife expected. I began to realize why my wife had begun to take charge and criticize me. She had completely bought into all the insanity he was teaching. She really believed I was the cause of our lack of earthly blessings. When he finished telling me all of this he handed me the stack of books and asked me what I thought. My head was spinning. Everything he said was against all that I knew about Christianity. Yet I had done everything I had been taught to do to make sure I was married to the right woman. How could that marriage lead to this? In an honest attempt to accept what he said I asked him why in all my ministry experience and training I had not come across these principles before. As hard as I tried not to show it I could not help but show that I thought what he was saying was off-the-wall. The room went silent. It was obvious that both he and my wife knew I wasn’t swallowing this nonsense. Finally he just looked hard at me and said "John, God’s sheep know His voice". The implication was clear. I was not one of God’s sheep because I did not submit to what this Pastor was saying. I was terminated as Worship Leader. The message was not just for me but also for my wife. That ended our marriage. She concluded that she had moved out of God’s will by marrying me. My wife had become pregnant during our marriage. She hadn’t yet told anyone but her close friends who were also supposedly my close friends. With the help of our so-called church family, people she had insisted on picking, she arranged a secret abortion. She went through with it and the secret somehow reached the head Pastor, and myself. The head Pastor did not tolerate abortions and immediately excommunicated her from his inner circle for her sin. She took the kids and left. I have not seen or talked to them since. I was notified by mail of the divorce, and learned through the grapevine that she married someone else. I became a joke in the eyes of the Pastor. He let me continue to hang around but made it clear I was not worth his attention. This was the most severe lesson I had to go through to wake up to the truth that the "church" had very serious and destructive problems.
But through all of this God also taught me essential truth concerning personal discipleship. No matter how spiritually mature anyone seems to be, we can only trust God and His Word. We can trust those who have spiritual authority over us only if they demonstrate that they understand that the Word really means what it says when it says to test everything by Scripture. It does not matter who it is, we can’t trust what any man says if it is not in the Word. If it is not in the Word then it is just an opinion, and is not to be trusted. Unity comes from only trusting the Word. And trusting the Word is only real when one is a doer of the Word. If a "leader" is not doing the Word, then that leader cannot be trusted. Now of course this is not talking about legalism but having a sincere faith concerning these things. We, also are included in the principle of not trusting in man. My leaders and I could not be trusted. I, as a leader could not be trusted. All because we were not broken of carnal self-confidence. We did not take scripture at-its-word. We did not trust that it says what it means to say, and wholly means what it says. We were not confident that God arranged the Word in such a way that it is already complete in what He wants us to know. We always felt confident enough in our own thoughts and feelings to add our opinions to the Word. We thought God chose us because we could help others. We did not trust the Word completely when it tells us there is nothing in ourselves that can help anyone. So we added words, explanations, examples, etc. that were not in the Word. Yet an accurate examination of the Word would reveal to us that what we were saying was not in there. We did not take seriously the fact that if it was not there, it was not from God. In the same way we were confident that we were being led by the Holy Spirit even though what we thought the Holy Spirit was telling us was not in the Word. Sure we could not identify a place where the Word was against what we thought, but we assumed we could say it was God, without it actually being in His Word. Thus we added much to the church thinking we were being led by God. We did not realize that the Holy Spirit is God and one with the Word. So forms, practices, programs, etc. became our counsel instead of focusing on just what is in the Word. We expected results from the things we added instead of realizing the results needed to be a product of just focusing on what is in the Word. As you already know I also learned the lesson that I had to be a doer of the Word. And do it as the Word instructs us to do it. For instance the Word does not say to check our thoughts every once in a while, it says to take every thought captive. Again this is not legalism but what we must strive for. I learned that it is essential to learn the Word simply as it is without man adding explanations or encouragement based on anything outside of the Word like experiences or traditions, knowledge, and studies from sources outside of the Word. I learned that it is essential to rightly divide the Word since it is what we use to discern whether a thought, feeling, idea, concept, etc. is from God instead of other sources. I learned that walking in the Spirit is something we need to do always, and that walking in the Spirit is simply doing that which the Word says to do every moment. Again not in a legalistic way but in an attitude of striving to accomplish this from whole-hearted desire and under no condemnation. God made this clear to me by allowing me to suffer the consequences of not being a doer of His Word. I thought I had given myself to God completely. I thought I had given up everything to serve Him. I thought I had done everything His way. Yet, I thought, He had allowed me to lose everything of value to me. My wife and children, and my music and pastoring career, and the people I had thought were my friends. I became very angry at God. I went to a secluded place away from people and, pacing back and forth, yelled at God "Why did you allow this to happen?". When I became too tired to yell at Him any more I sat down on a rock and waited for Him to answer me. But there was no answer. So I got up to leave, whispering to myself "And you don't even care enough to answer". Just as I turned to walk away I felt a tap on my shoulder. Knowing I was alone I knew it had to be God. Then in my mind I heard Him gently, but sincerely, say, "John, if I chose to treat you as badly as you have said I have treated you, for the rest of your life, would you still believe, love, and serve me?" I was stunned. That question cut through all my anger, hurt, and ranting, and got to the core of me. I broke. "Of course. You are God. Where else would I go" I responded in sincere love, faith, and humble submission - later I would remember Peter saying similar words in the Bible. Having been properly put in my place, I then began to seek understanding with the correct attitude. I asked God why He let the loss of all I cared about happen to me. His answer to this question was just as unexpected as was His previous answer. He said, in the same gentle, but firm, tone, "John I did not let it happen, you did". Baffled, I asked Him "how did I do that?" He then brought to my mind a parade of all the things He tells us to do in His Word. He said to me "John, did you take every thought captive? Did you put off the mind of the flesh and put on the mind of Christ? Did you put on the full armor of God? Did you guard your heart? Did you not let the sun go down on your anger? Did you set your mind on things above?" The list went on and my only answer to these questions was a quiet and broken "no". I began to realize the truth about my "spirituality". With all my "success" in the ministry, regardless of all I had been taught in class, regardless of the fact that I had taught the "real meaning of scripture" from the original languages, I, in egotistical self confidence that I was a mature Christian, was in fact not mature at all. I was just a baby Christian living only on the milk of the gospel message of salvation. And since I was not a doer of the Word, but a hearer only, the enemy, the world, and the sinful flesh took those things away from me. I realized that I had treated the instructions of the Word as if they were just food for thought, or just suggestions. It never occurred to me that since God said to do them, they must be something to take very seriously and strive to practice. Now that I understood this truth, the Word's instructions concerning exhortation and encouragement and holding each other accountable, and choosing, and the warnings of the Word, all made much more sense.
Understanding all this I thought I finally had learned the fullness of the essentials I lacked. All I had to do now was tell these truths to others. I filled my ministry with scripture, lessons, and life examples to enable others to be set free by the truth. Within a year I was no longer welcome to minister in the circles I was familiar with. I was branded a radical, and worse, who created misery for Pastors because of the cry of those who were comfortable in their ear-tickling compromises. I would have given up several times if God had not intervened and done something to confirm to me that what I had learned was from Him. God still had another harsh learning experience to put me through. He had to wake me up to the reality of Spiritual warfare and to not put any conditions on when He would accomplish His work in any person’s life. I married a Christian single mother because she and her two girls, 4 and 6, were not surviving. This mother had been nearly bed ridden by a back injury. This family had been abandoned by the father who hated Christianity, and they were forced to live in the dungeon-like basement of a demon-possessed woman who, I was told, was the leader of a Satan worshipping new-age coven. This severely controlling woman was also the single mother’s mom. When I first learned that this Christian mother and her girls were in this state, I spent months going from church to church to try to find help. Meanwhile things worsened to the point that I ended up having to provide that help and could only do it properly if I married the lady. I was confident that since I knew the truth about being a disciple, God could use me to help build disciples of her and her girls. I dedicated myself to serving them and nurturing them in the Word. I lived as the best example I could of what I was teaching, and administered our activities around fun that taught how to live in the Spirit. Without going into the years and years of these activities and the spiritual warfare I encountered, I for now can summarize by saying that the mother and her oldest daughter did not grow in the Lord and left at different times. The oldest daughter went to live with her biological father and adopted his anti-Christ bohemian life style. The mother ran off and married another man. Only the youngest daughter embraced the truth. The warfare still rages on for the mother and oldest daughter. Of course it goes on for the youngest daughter and I, but we are with the Lord in it. As I said, through this I have learned the reality of Spiritual warfare, and that one cannot put expectations on God or people simply because the truth is spoken and lived as best as one can.
This is a very unpleasant story to tell since I live through the pain again each time that I tell it. But I tell you all of this because I believe that I am called to share the lessons of my life to all who God brings my way, as He leads.